A Hidden Soul
by Crazy4Carlisle
Summary: When Edward rejects Carlisle and his 'vegetarian lifestyle' he is forced to face up to the one thing holding him back from making peace with his new life as a vampire; himself. Pre-Twilight, rated T for some violence and mature content.
1. (Part 1) Alone

_**A Hidden Soul**_

_**Disclaimer- All the characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**_

**Part 1**

**Chapter 1- Alone **

"_But little do men perceive what solitude is and how far it extended" _

_-Edgar Allen Poe_

_**1921**_

The image of Carlisle's face as he gazed down at the Esme, who stared up at him with her vampire eyes for the first time played in Edward's mind over and over again. This was not the face of a man who shone with pride whenever Edward played an original piano composition. It was certainly not the face of a man who looked at Edward with a fatherly warmness whenever he walked through the front door. This was the face of a man who had found his true purpose in this woman. To Edward however; it was the wretched feeling of losing another father.

Of course Edward had to have known that he would not have been enough for Carlisle forever. They were after all, simply friends that had formed a sort of father son bond over the past three years since he had been turned into a vampire.

Edward's life before that night in Chicago seemed so distant now, but the memories of all that he had lost, still had yet to fade. He never really took the time to acknowledge the death of his parents and had pushed the grief aside; he shoved the memories into the back of his mind even though they still managed to seep through the holes from time to time.

It had happened in a way that was too sudden to fully absorb. A mere three years ago, Edward was an average seventeen year old boy with plans to enlist in the war. He was part of a respectable, middle income family, attended high school, went to dances, and flirted with girls his age. It was not until the evening that his father fell ill and collapsed due to the influenza epidemic, that he was exposed to the harshness that accompanies life. Not long after, the flu took his health from him too and then the health of his beloved mother, Elisabeth. In those few days, he had lost his childhood innocence and his life as he had always known it and now after three years, he was beginning to feel the emptiness that comes with the feeling of simply being lost.

Edward was standing at his usual spot in the Marion train station. He leaned against the wall beside the ticketing stand and watched the goodbye hugs and kisses of the passengers and their families, before they got onto the train that would be taking them far away from the safe, hominess of Churchill, Idaho.

They eagerly climbed the steps of the train and waved excited goodbyes through the windows as the bell of the train sounded. Within seconds it was gone, along with those happy, hopeful passengers.

Edward came to this station often, the optimistic thoughts of many of the humans and their families gave him some sense of hope for his own future, even though it was more difficult to predict what eternity had to offer. He also came to this place whenever he needed to get away from the all too happy couple at home and their "affection" for each other. It was not uncommon for Edward to catch a glimpse of Carlisle and Esme's private affairs in their thoughts. They did little too block out their mental images of each other and often times, Edward saw visuals of Carlisle's hand clutching onto Esme's breast, her nipples exposed or him coming home only to leave again because of the sounds of their moans and the rocking of the bed upstairs.

The thought of being even the slightest bit a part of their lovemaking made him feel physically sick.

He usually came to this place whenever he did not want to be at home with them but today was different. Earlier in the morning Carlisle had announced to Edward, that Esme and he would be getting married.

"You are what?!" Edward exclaimed, not hiding his unhappiness.

Carlisle's expression looked liked he had just been slapped. "Edward, son-"

"Do not call me that!"

Esme flinched at the harshness of Edward's words and Carlisle's face became harder. Edward knew how protective Carlisle was of Esme and Edward scowled at this, thinking that Carlisle would even turn on him for the sake of Esme. He heard Carlisle's pleading thoughts say _Edward, please understand that you cannot and will not ever be replaced, but the truth is that I love her too and I want her to be apart of this family. Can you please just accept that? _

Beneath Carlisle's thoughts, Edward felt a hint of truth. Still he could not accept it, any of it. He knew what Carlisle told him was fair, but for some reason, he felt a hatred growing inside of him. And the more time that went on, the bigger it grew; whether or not it had to do with Esme, it was wedging a gap between him and Carlisle. From the reaction Edward was giving, it seemed this gap would not to be filled anytime soon.

Edward turned his back to them and faced the doorway; he said with a cold voice, "Do what you want, but I will not be going to the wedding."

Their pain and confusion bombarded his mind. On one side, Edward felt like a sadistic, unfeeling monster and was disturbed by his own behaviour. On the other side, he got a sense of pleasure from their pain; in a way it almost made him feel smug. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his reflection in the mirror hanging on the living room wall. He turned his head slightly to face it and he was startled when, amidst all the hurt and feelings of betrayal radiating throughout the room, he saw a hint of a smile forming on his lips.

Now as Edward stood in the corner of the station, he felt ashamed of the reaction he had. He did not know why he had not been himself lately; something was troubling him and he could not quite place it.  
Edward's attention turned to a mother and her son who looked about six, greeting a man who was coming off of the train that just arrived. He assumed the man was the father and judging from his briefcase and suit, had just returned from a business trip.

Edward was intrigued by the warmth between the family as the father picked up his small son playfully and briefly kissed his wife. The family strangely reminded him of his human family. He remembered many times standing with his mother at the train station, waiting to greet his father who had gone away on short trips for his law firm. He felt a dark feeling overwhelm him and he couldn't bear to witness the scene any longer.

As Edward started to leave, he turned his head to view the opposite end of train tracks. There seemed to be the figure of someone watching him and he heard the thoughts of a person observing his movements. When he saw and heard nothing suspicious, he shook off the thought and told himself he was simply letting his mind reading abilities get the best of him. But he still glanced back once more before finally exiting the busy station.


	2. Shadows

**Chapter 2- Shadows**

_**1922**_

Edward's relationship with Carlisle and Esme had only become more distant after the wedding. Although Edward was not technically present for the wedding; which was a well-decorated, small ceremony, attended by a few of his old friends including members of the Denali coven; Edward still lurked in the shadows, spying every so often on the event. He made sure nobody saw or heard him but he was always stored in the back of everyone's thoughts. They were all thinking the same thing, _"how could he not support Carlisle on the happiest day of his existence?" _Edward couldn't care less what they thought. What hurt him partially however, were the disappointed thoughts of Carlisle, when he felt the missing presence of Edward as he said his vows. Carlisle had hoped that Edward would be the best man, but he was forced to choose Eleazar as his second option. Nevertheless, the wedding went well and everyone was happy; everyone except for Edward of course.

After they married things went back to the way they were. Carlisle went back to work after his honeymoon on the Island he bought for Esme. Esme worked on the house and planted a beautiful garden, something they had never had prior to her arrival. One day, as Edward was returning back to the house after wandering around in the city, he spotted from a far away distance in the woods, Carlisle driving into the driveway, returning from his hospital shift and Esme greeting him from where she was gardening by the porch.

Through the vines, Edward glared at the man he used to see as a shining window of hope, someone who had unending compassion, someone who used to understand and now it was blazingly clear that Edward had been mistaken all along. Carlisle was weak, selfish and he let him down like everyone else that had ever mattered in his life. How far they had fallen in the time Esme had been with them. Carlisle now made it staggeringly clear that Edward's existence was always just a simple experiment; a secret way of testing out his ability to create a companion for himself that followed his 'vegetarian' way of life. Edward felt one thousand daggers pierce his unbeating heart when he came to this realization. How could he be so naïve to think that Carlisle favoured him more than any of the other humans that had died under his watch during the influenza epidemic? Sure they may have had their happy moments over the years, but this was nothing more than a few happy moments for Carlisle. It was something to ease the boredom of over three hundred years of solitude. As Edward watched the couple kiss a tender, playful kiss on the driveway. Edward felt like for the first time in his existence, he was truly alone.


	3. Stranger

**Chapter 3- Stranger**

_**1926**_

Edward could smell the familiar scent of another vampire as he hunted alone one night, which surprised him. Vampires rarely came to small towns like Churchill to hunt humans, whose deaths might cause suspicion among people that knew them in town. They usually stayed in large cities where they could prey on people that would not be missed like streetwalkers, homeless people, or drug attics. Out of curiosity and boredom, Edward followed the scent all the way to the old, rundown pub on the edge of the town.

He entered the pub, there was a rowdy group of people playing cards and a few people sitting at the tables or lounging on the ripped and stained sofas. It was dimly lit, the only light coming from a few lamps placed around. At the bar, Edward spotted a gorgeous woman wearing a daringly short maroon coloured dress and a long, silvery grey jacket that matched her high heels. Her hair was a wavy mahogany and covered by a stylish cloche, flapper hat; she had on red lipstick. Edward knew she was a vampire the moment he saw her. She tilted her head, motioning for him to approach her. He sat on the stool chair next to her. He turned to face her as she smirked at his suspicious manner.

She spoke to him this time; her voice sounding smooth and seductive, "I have seen you before."

"Really, when?" her scent did now seem strangely familiar to Edward.

"The last time I was passing through Churchill was in 1921. I, along with my travel companion at the time, Lom were curious when we picked up the scent of another vampire in the train station. The moment we arrived there, you had already begun to leave, so we went away. I'm surprised you're still in this town; most vampires do not stay in one place among humans for long."

Edward suddenly remembered the figure he thought was watching him in the train station about four years ago. It did not make sense that he did not see her or hear her thoughts.

She asked him, "What is your name?"

"Edward," he replied and then heard her own name in her thoughts. "And you must be, Fidelia Florence?"

She raised one eyebrow and Edward added plainly,

"I'm a mind reader." He shrugged. "So what brings you to this town?"

She paused then replied, "Just passing through." Her answer troubled Edward. She seemed to be hiding something in her thoughts. She continued,

"So, I suppose you came to this bar out of curiosity, boredom… lust? Or just got tired of hunting deer?" She grinned evilly.

Edward smiled slightly and remembered that his golden eyes were a dead giveaway.

"Do you happen to know a vampire, Doctor Carlisle Cullen? As far as I know, he's the only one who lives this strange human-loving lifestyle. Most vampires who have been around long enough know him for it."

Edward replied, "Yes, he actually turned me into a vampire.

"Oh, well that explains why you stayed in this town for so long. Don't you get tired of acting like a human all the time, drinking animal blood?" She asked bluntly, moving in closer.

He found himself enjoying the way her knee slightly touched his. After all, he had not had much contact with a female, let alone anyone in the past eight years, so his reaction should not have been much of a surprise to him. However, he responded to her differently than other female vampires; like Tanya for instance who he had little attraction towards. There was something about this woman's approach that fascinated him.

Edward thought hard about her question. He supposed that it did get difficult controlling his desires from time to time. He had been feeling the uncomfortable disconnection with Carlisle and Esme for almost four years now and he was beginning to grow tired.

"It can be tough sometimes, but it's not so bad I guess."

She grabbed her purse and slung it over her shoulder.

"I need to hunt, I can't stand sitting in this room full of humans any longer. I would ask if you wanted to join me, but well…"

"Its fine, I understand," Edward replied, only now noticing her raven black eyes. "But wait, are you going to be leaving town afterwards?"

She smiled a seductive smile and replied, "I'm going to go and stay with some vampires in the west end of San Francisco; you should come visit some time? You know, live a little."

"It was nice meeting you Fidelia." Edward said, wanting to follow her now, more than he should.

As he said this she moved closer to him and to his surprise, seductively kissed him on the lips and then smiled that smile again before replying, "It was nice meeting you Edward Cullen."

As she left him standing in the smoke filled pub, Edward couldn't help but imagine a life like hers. He pictured never having to worry about anything or anyone, being free from disappointing the ones you love and always feeling like the odd man out. At that point, he knew his time with Carlisle and Esme was limited.


	4. Tension

**Chapter 4- Tension**

**1927**

Edward could hear the cheery melody of Esme's humming as she dusted the bookshelf in the living room of the cottage. Edward was in the room across the hall, playing Prelude in E-Minor by Frederic Chopin on his beloved grand piano. The melancholy tune of the song did not at all fit the cheerful atmosphere, as the bright morning sun shone through the opened windows, but it did however fit Edward's mood, so it was appropriate enough for him.

Carlisle was in the living room with Esme, reading the mail. It was one of the rare times when they were all together. When Edward finished playing the gloomy composition, he heard him enter the room. He was wearing a casual pair of trousers and a blue V-neck sweater vest over his collared shirt. His blond hair shined in the midday sun.

"Edward, I'm going hunting. Would you care to join me?"

Edward stood up, gathering his sheet music he had memorized and replied sharply, "Why don't you just go hunting with her?"

As soon as the words left Edward's lips, he instantly regretted saying them. Seeing the look on Carlisle's face didn't make it much better. Across the hall, he heard the shamed and guilty feelings of Esme which weighed down his own guilt even more.

But in a way Edward did mean what he said. As much as Carlisle might have said otherwise, he no longer needed Edward anymore. Edward knew he had only made the request out of sympathy. Edward didn't want Carlisle's sympathy, he wanted him to hate him, to admit to Edward, once and for all that he no longer cared for his presence, no longer felt the need to have him around. But he didn't, he simply composed himself and calmly replied to the petulant comment,

"I want go hunting with _you _Edward. We rarely spend much time together anymore and I thought since I have the day off work that we could go, together_."_

_Like we used to _he added in his thoughts. He scanned through memories of himself and Edward running in the forest during a hunt; the image of Edward calling back to Carlisle teasingly, taunting him to catch up. He showed the image of a simple chat they had as they walked through the snowy yard of the Denali coven's house. He also showed the look of pure joy on Edward's face when he walked through that same house, to find a brand new piano sitting in the living room during his first year as a vampire. Back then, he had only played happy songs, not like now.

Edward flinched as he was bombarded with Carlisle's slideshow of memories all accompanied with Carlisle's confusion of how and why, they had come to the low point they were now at. He knew Edward well enough to know that it was not only Esme that was making him this way.

Edward pushed aside his guilt and straightened up.

"I'm not thirsty Carlisle. I was just leaving anyway." With those words, Edward turned away from the now dumfounded Carlisle and shut the front door behind him.

As he started to run, he heard the grave words of Carlisle and Esme.

"No matter what I am always putting a strain between you two, Carlisle, I don't know what I can do."

"No, it's not your fault Esme, it is clear the problem is much more than you. I only wish you could have known him before. Esme, he was like a different person, I don't know how to describe it he was just so…different."


	5. Cold Blood

**Chapter 5- Cold Blood**

**1928**

Edward walked slowly, even for a human, amidst the foggy shadows of the town square. Today, he did not see the joyous faces of pedestrians or hear their optimistic thoughts. The sun was hidden behind the thick, dark clouds, as if it had finally grown tired of attempting to exude happiness, despite all the pessimism that oozed off of him. There were only a few people walking past him. They each had someplace to go; no one was out for an afternoon stroll, on a gloomy day such as this one.

He left the square and headed down a narrow, cobbled alleyway. It was wedged in between two crusted black, brick apartments. The area was known for its crime rate and gang activity. A few doors ran along the apartments; inside mostly drug dens and brothels. Carlisle had once spoken about the staggering amount of drug overdose patients and assault victims from this area he had treated in the hospital.

It was fairly quiet in the apartments during this time of day. Mostly, Edward heard the thoughts of people getting ready for the night's activities. As he walked, a small young lady emerged out of one of the apartment doors and clutched tightly to her purse. She looked down as she quickly walked passed him and he could hear her anxious thoughts.

_I only have a few hours to get the money and the train ticket before Curtis comes home. I have to be careful not to make it too obvious that I've packed most of my things. _

Her thoughts showed this man Curtis; he shoved her forcefully against the apartment wall and struck her across the face. She remembered the taste of blood in her mouth as she fell to the floor, hitting her head on the edge of a chair on the way down. The blood from her mouth splattered. The booming sound of her husband's voice rang in her ears, "Did you really think you could just pack up and leave me you little slut?" Curtis kicked her hard in the stomach and laughed before grabbing his half empty beer bottle and leaving her gasping for air and fighting back tears.

Edward flinched at her horrible memories and remembered Esme, who had become pregnant as a human by her husband forcing himself on her. After years of abuse, she managed to escape the marriage before her baby was born. Her son was her only reason for living when he died in infancy. This is why she jumped off a cliff and ended up being found and taken to the hospital. During her first few weeks of being a vampire, she did not tell Carlisle about her horrible past and Edward, being the only one who knew, had kept her secret.

Edward often thought of his mind reading ability as curse, rather than a gift. It seemed like a convenience at times, but it proved only to be a heavy burden. Hearing the deepest and darkest thoughts of everyone around him made it almost impossible for him to keep an optimistic view of humanity. He constantly listened to the thoughts of madmen, killers, torturers, rapists, thieves and anything and everything else a person could think of. It sometimes felt like he had some kind of mental disorder, because he could hear voices in his head that nobody else could hear, knew things that nobody else could know but him and the person having the thoughts.  
It was this curse, which forced him to stop dead in his tracks when he heard the thoughts of this young woman who plotted to leave her husband in secret, in the middle of the night.

He turned his head and saw the woman turn the corner, towards the direction of the station. She would buy her ticket in advance, and then she would go home and make dinner, all the while acting inconspicuous so Curtis would suspect nothing. But when he awoke, he would find her and her things gone.

The sound of the ticking clock in the downstairs hallway was the only noise in the house. In his room sat Edward at his desk. He was not playing piano or reading, he was not even moving as he morbidly stared into oblivion. He was deep in thought, but at the same time, he was not thinking at all.

He had successfully tuned out the thoughts of Esme until she glanced in his room while she was passing and stopped and stared at his unmoving frame. Her hair was tied back casually and she carried a basket of laundry in her arm.

Pausing before entering through his opened doorway, she gently placed a folded pile of clean clothing on his wooden dresser. Edward who still did not look in her direction, barely acknowledged her presence, which made her turn before leaving. He could see the back of his head in her mind. She picked up the basket and he heard her ask mentally, _bored? _Edward did not reply or even move. His lack of response made her turn while she stood in the doorway, he felt her eyes on him as she paused then said, her voice uncharacteristically annoyed, "You know, anyone can hide Edward, but you're not the only one who has ever had anything to feel sorry about and it wouldn't hurt if just once, you at least gave us a hint that you are still present. I know that you still have some sense of meaning left in your heart, whether you know it or not." With that she turned and left.

Edward almost smirked at the mention of him still having a heart. He had lost all of his humanity years ago and with that, lost all meaning. Brushing off her comment, he remembered that he was already damned to this endless wallowing of the earth. He was a villain for what he was planning to do, but nevertheless he was an honourable one. His actions would help an innocent to survive. Surely there was nobleness in that?

Night had already fallen and Edward got up and ran out of the house. He ran all the way through woods and within minutes, he was in the narrow alleyway. He heard music coming from the brothel and their shouting and vulgar thoughts. He climbed the steps of the apartment building and scanned through the thoughts coming from each doorway in the dark hallway, until he got to the room where the woman and her husband lived. He picked the lock, careful not to make any noise that would ruin his plans.

When he was in the entryway, he heard Curtis's snoring radiating from the bedroom and the cautious sounds of the woman gathering the rest of her belongings and placing them in her carry on bag; her suitcases would already be in storage at the station. She had been planning her escape for quite a while.

Edward was in the corner of the living room, outside of the master bedroom listening to her pick up the bag and begin to leave. He could hear the rapid increase of her heart rate when she heard him tiredly mumble her name,

"Jodie?" He sat up and took in the scene before his eyes, she looked at him pleadingly, but in her mind she told herself that she would not let him win this time, not without putting up a fight.

In the time it took for him to process what she planned to do, she was running to the front door. Not seeing Edward creep through the dark shadows of the apartment. It didn't take long before Curtis chased after her, while shouting threats in her direction.

He almost caught up to her at the door, but he was stopped dead in his tracks when Edward blocked his way. Curtis stumbled back with startled eyes. Edward grabbed the man's throat, lifting him off the ground. Curtis tried to yell but his neck was being suffocated by Edward's iron grip. Edward smiled and then tossed the man a full metre away. Curtis tried desperately to crawl away, but Edward was too fast and in an instant, his teeth were sunk deep into his neck.

The taste of human blood overtook Edward and it was not long before he stopped struggling and his eyes went blank. Edward had finished the deed and had not a speck of remorse for what he had done. The girl, whose name he now knew to be Jodie, was safe from Curtis because of him. How could he feel sorry about that? Edward could see his reflection in the flower vase on the table. His eyes were blood red, the eyes of the monster that had now completely emerged from inside of him.


	6. How Far We Have Fallen

**Chapter 6- How Far We Have Fallen**

**1928 **

A red and orange glimmer of the rising sun had begun to expose itself when Edward returned home. Carlisle was still doing his shift at the hospital and Esme was outside, tending to her extravagant garden in the yard.

Edward walked through the hallway of the house like the zombie he was, not acknowledging her presence or whistling like he used to, just walking. He sat at his piano in the unlit room, shattering the silence by filling the atmosphere with the sound of Chopin's Nocturne number 1 Opus 9. The piano was like an elegant beast, come to life by Edward's pale, slender fingers. The sadness of the music seeped through Edward's body slowly and spread throughout his venom filled veins.

He played like that for hours, never missing a note, never tiring mentally. He just played the instrument, as if his stopping would send his world into a dark, wave of turmoil and he would have to face reality once again. So for now he just played, wishing he could be in peace like that forever.

Edward's mother had taught him to play. He distinctly remembered himself as a child, sitting at her side on the piano bench, watching as her fingers danced across the white and black keys. It had seemed so complicated to him then, now it came as easily as breathing.

Music was the only thing that made him feel like he still had a soul. It helped him to feel alive in his walking grave. Carlisle did not save his life by biting him; for he was still dead but a ghost, forced to wander the earth for all eternity, never growing, never moving forward. He was trapped inside his seventeen year old, adolescent body. He would never fully grow into adulthood or have the life of a human.

But Edward could not bring himself to hate Carlisle for what he did. His compassion and convictions made him nearly impossible to hate. Even if Carlisle had created Edward out of his own selfish desires and curiosity, Carlisle did his best to provide a life of growth in many ways for Edward. He wanted Edward to go to school and put his mental capabilities to good use. After all it was not like Edward did not like learning, he had read every book in Carlisle's collection, cover to cover and had taken thousands of books out of the library in the past few years alone. But Edward always refused Carlisle's suggestion, he did not mind to be around humans in public if he was blending in with the crowd, but he did not trust that he could keep his vampire nature unexposed in a classroom setting. Carlisle often put too much trust in Edward's self control; his bright red eyes were now proof of that.

The composition he was playing had ended. Edward felt a wave of emotion wash over him when he noticed the Cullen crest symbol wrapped around his index finger. Carlisle gave the crest to him as a sort of welcoming present. The ring had been in his family for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years and suddenly, he did not feel worthy of wearing it.

He slid it off his finger and after staring at it in silence for a few seconds, gently placed it on top of the piano. Then in a flash he bolted up the stairs to his room and threw some of his clothing and basic necessities into a small bag. He made sure to bring things that he still cared for like his human father's watch, a picture of his parents and his mother's wedding ring; all items Carlisle had managed to gather for him when they died. Edward made his decision. He could not stay in this house for any longer, not when he had already chosen a new pathway for himself. Carlisle believed that killing humans was wrong; Edward believed that killing innocent humans was wrong, but some humans just simply deserved to die. And his mind reading capabilities gave him the power to judge that.

Still, when Edward heard the sound of Carlisle pulling into the driveway, returning from the hospital and he looked at his duffel bag sitting on the floor; he felt the wave of mixed emotions overtake him again. At first it was guilt, then it was a feeling of anger, sadness, determination, loneliness, loyalty, and then betrayal all come at him and in half a second, his back slid down the bedroom wall and he sunk to the ground in a defeated mess. He buried his head in his hands, his hands clenched his hair and he began to shake uncontrollably.

Edward thought that this must be what crying is like for a vampire. They could not produce tears but their body could still respond to their feelings, almost like a humans. He thought for a moment that maybe he wasn't as much of a heartless heathen as he presumed. But then again, even the coldest of killers could have feelings. It didn't make them any less of a killer.

Downstairs, Edward could hear the playful joking of Carlisle and Esme as they greeted each other. Through their talking, Carlisle spotted Edward's crested ring placed perfectly on the top of the piano. Carlisle found this odd considering the fact that Edward rarely took it off, let alone left it lying around. He picked up the ring and in half a second, was standing in Edward's room, stunned by what he saw. Edward could see the visual in Carlisle's mind; the image of Edward slumped against the wall, trembling with his head buried in his arms and a filled duffel bag sitting before him.

Even though his thoughts were the complete opposite, Carlisle's voice was calm when he asked cautiously, "Edward?" He approached slowly and reached out to place a hand on his shaking shoulder. Edward flinched away from his touch, but his face remained hidden.

Carlisle was knelt beside him, waiting for Edward to respond. Edward managed to stifle his emotions and his shaking lessened, and then stopped altogether. Outside, it was early morning, birds sung in their nests and the rushing sound of the nearby stream was soothing to listen to.

"Edward, please look at me. What happened?"

Edward did what he asked; he took his hands away from his face and lifted his head up to look at Carlisle. Carlisle shifted away slightly and his eyes widened in shock, his jaw clenched. The sight of Edward's bright red eyes before him made Carlisle stare for a moment with disbelief, while he rationalized everything in his mind, linking all the pieces together.

"Tell me this was an accident. You lost control."

"No." Edward said firmly, his body tensed as he stood up.

Carlisle stood up and was facing him. He said mentally, _do you regret what you did at all?_

Edward spun around in the direction of the window and stared out, his back to Carlisle.

"I saved a woman Carlisle, I have no regrets," Edward said darkly. "Can't you see? Humans either deserve to live, or deserve to be destroyed." Edward swiftly turned back around and continued his speech, "I have the power to judge who deserves to be destroyed for the good of others. With it, I will rid the world of evil people so that innocents will not be harmed. Think of it Carlisle; you fix people when they are hurt, but why should I not be able to prevent people from being hurt in the first place?"

"Edward, no human is all good or all bad. It is impossible to judge who deserves to die and who does not." Carlisle said firmly, trying to talk him out of his plan.

"I will be the judge of that!" Edward said viciously, then his shoulders dropped and he calmed. "I cannot stay here Carlisle, not when I already have this blood on my hands."

"Edward, look at the way you're acting now; you're obviously not as fine with your actions as you say. You're making a mistake, please son just reconsider. It does not matter to me that you killed a human, we can work through that. I _forgive_ you." Carlisle said pleadingly.

Edward looked at him with heated disbelief. How could Carlisle still manage to forgive him even after all these years of bitterness towards both him and Esme, or even after the murderous act he had just committed, on purpose? Edward hated Carlisle's never ending patience and his sense of peace within his vampire life. He hated the fact that Carlisle had a passion through his medical practice and had found love through Esme. Edward hated what Carlisle had turned him into, but above all, Edward hated himself.

"I don't want your forgiveness." Edward said with clenched teeth.

Carlisle asked mentally; _then what is it you want?  
_Edward wanted Carlisle to be anything but forgiving. He wanted him to view him as the monster Edward thought himself to be. He wanted him to be angry, disgusted or hateful, anything but forgiving. At least the feeling of Carlisle finally owning up to the fact that he no longer needed Edward in his life would give some sort of emotion to feed the black hole of emptiness inside his chest.

"Edward, son," Carlisle said as he moved closer to him, as if to embrace him.

Edward struck his hand away and lunged at his shoulder. Carlisle swerved out of the way, but Edward's teeth dug into the part of his neck above his left collarbone, tearing at the vampire flesh. Carlisle yelped as they both fell like boulders crashing onto the floor. Carlisle, using his good arm struck Edward's face, causing him to stumble away. In a second, Edward recovered from the blow and was on his feet. Carlisle managed to also get up using his good side to push him off the ground.

Edward looked at the large crack in Carlisle's flesh that now diagonally ran from his neck all the way to the left side of his torso. There was no need to feel sorry for what he had just done; he hoped that this would make Carlisle no longer want to see him, to forget about him. Carlisle did not deserve to have Edward around to darken his days with Esme, who was now standing in the doorway with her hands clasped over her mouth at the scene before her.

Seeing them standing there, staring at him. Carlisle, physically and emotionally wounded by his own son and Esme, a loving and kind mother like figure, who he had so selfishly blamed for his own internal problems for as long as he'd known her. Edward felt like he would break down at any moment, but he could not let that happen, not now in front of them, so instead he grabbed the straps of his bag and ran past them, down the stairs and onto the front lawn.

He slowed to a human pace when he heard Carlisle move down the steps of the porch. Edward was a few metres ahead of him when he stopped walking and turned around to face Carlisle, who winced slightly at his injury when he stopped and stood in front of the porch. They were still for a few moments, just staring at each other from across the lawn. Edward heard in Carlisle's thoughts the word "_son,"_ one last hopeless plea. Edward willed his reluctant lips to move and said,

"You never had a son Carlisle. I never even existed. "

And with that, Edward ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He ran as if his body was trying to convince his deep and penetrating desire to run back to the house he had lived in with them for the past six years; that he was gone from Carlisle and Esme's life once and for all. He could never return.


	7. (Part 2) A New Path

**Part 2 **

**Chapter 7- A New Path**

"_**If you think it long and mad the wind banners that passes through my life and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots, remember. That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land."**_

_**-Pablo Neruda**_

**1929**

It had been a full year since Edward began his new existence, completely on his own. He had spent it lurking the shadows by day and at night, he carried through with his killings of criminals and humans that were in his opinion, worthy of death. He did not associate with anyone but his prey and did not often like to think about his past, or the ones he left behind. From now on it was his life and he would live it how he wished.

He stood on the pier at the heart of San Francisco. Post-war America was proving to be one of enormous social and economic growth. The atmosphere was changing; many people in the city now owned an automobile, new generation girls shortened their skirts, drank and smoked; everything from speakeasies to upbeat jazz music and extravagant parties had life in the city. Around him crowds gathered by street performers, music played from the ferry and the smell of street food radiated through the air. He looked out from the bridge, over the ocean. He listened to the waves, smelled the scent of the water, felt the caress of the breeze on his ice cold skin. His micro vision enabled him to see deep past the waters surface at the fish swimming; all different colours of the rainbow reflecting off the sea as the sunset and water became one.

It felt strange being in the city where there were no forests he could dwell in. Most of the smaller towns usually had a deep wooded area, but then again, he did not need them to feed on animals any longer.

Night was falling quickly and soon the streets would be empty except for a few strays that walked the nights. He decided that it was time to hunt for a prey. His eyes were black so he did not wear his usual sunglasses. He left the pier, pushing through crowds to get to the back alleys where he would most likely find an appropriate meal for himself.

There was not much light in his location but for a few streetlamps along the corridor where he walked at a slow human pace. He stuck his hands in the pockets of his lengthy, grey trench coat to make it look like he was keeping his fingers warm like a human would on a chilly night.

It did not take much for him to find a man a few yards away, plotting a way he could kill his co-worker who posed a threat to his future promotion. Edward was behind his unsuspecting figure in a matter of seconds and in an instant his neck was snapped and Edward fed on his fresh blood. He savoured the taste that he had not had in over the three weeks he had not hunted.

"How is it going mind reader? You're far from home; I see you took my advice." A scarlet laced voice said from a few feet behind him.

He stopped feeding and turned his head to look up, knowing exactly whose voice it was. He wondered how she could sneak up on him like that without him hearing her thoughts or smelling her.

"Fidelia," Edward said. She smiled at him and moved closer in a flash.

Her lips whispered in his ear, "You couldn't stay away could you?"

In part she was right, Edward had not forgotten that she stayed in west end of San Francisco which was basically why he came here of all places. He also hadn't forgotten how fascinating her bold demeanour was.

He mimicked her response during their last meeting and replied with a hint of a smile, "Just passing through."

She smirked at the comment and then said,

"Finished?" while motioning towards the drained body of the man lying on the cement.

The sound of a group of humans laughing with each other and unsuspectingly, coming their way made both their heads turn. They could not let them see their red eyes while still letting them live, this signalled that they had to go soon.

Fidelia turned away and began to walk down the now dark and quite street, while telling him in her thoughts to follow. Her luxurious fur coat covered her red fringed dress and she strode gracefully in her black high heels.

He followed her as she made her way to a door, squeezed between two small business offices running along the street. It was unlocked and inside was a dim, beige panelled hallway. There was a concrete staircase that ran down. Edward followed her down the stairs that were so steep, they probably would frighten a human. The farther he got the less light there was, but this did not bother his vision at all.

She opened the door below to a well lit room with panelled walls and expensive, grand furniture to match her taste. On the far right of the room there was a door that led to her bedroom. The kitchen counter ran along the wall and the door revealing the bathroom was to the left.

Edward walked in and said, "You do know how to get around don't you?"

She shrugged and replied, "Well let's just say I've had a lot of experience."

"Wait, so how long have you been a vampire?" Edward asked as she took off her fur coat, exposing her slender body uncovered by her sleeveless dress and sensual cleavage that almost sent Edward into a stir.

She moved closer to him, her body touched his slightly and she said teasingly, "Don't you know it's impolite to ask a woman her age?" Of course he did not show any lack of composure. He had years of practice, hiding his emotions.

Edward smiled back at her when he heard in her thoughts that she had been a vampire for much longer than he had. He said with playfulness in his tone, "Too late for manners; mind reader remember?"

She laughed, "Darn it, I forgot."

Then she kissed him and he responded this time, moving in closer to her touch. His hand ran upwards through her dark curls and he pushed her into the wall behind her, they continued kissing passionately. They both craved each others touch, felt the erotic adrenaline flowing through them. Her hands traced down his chest to the upper part of his trousers, loosening his buckle with one hand. Edward stopped kissing her and she looked at him with confusion.

"What is it?" She asked.

Edward responded, "It's just... I haven't actually ever done this before."

Fidelia didn't seem to hear what he had said. Instead she knowingly stroked the side of his face while guiding his free hand to the red fabric covering her breast. She kissed him, her teeth gently biting his lower lip. Whatever uncertainty Edward had before, was lost to him now. Right now he was completely enticed in the moment; every fibre of him wanted her.

He growled, giving in to his restraint and in seconds, they were sprawled on her enormous bed in her lamp lit room. She slid out of her dress and kicked off her heels. She helped him get his shirt off quickly and he unfastened her bra, throwing it across the room. He pushed her back onto the bed and his lips ran down her stomach. She moaned as he undid his trousers and moving in so that they could feel their skin against each others, they're bodies gracefully entwined.

As a human, Edward had planned on waiting until he was married to have sex, but then again he had planned on a lot of things that could never happen. So here he was now, with a woman that he barely knew apart from her luring, sensual attractiveness. Feeling like his grey reality had suddenly turned an infatuate maroon and there was nothing to think about but this very moment. Somehow, Edward was alright with that feeling.


	8. Betrayal

**Chapter 8- Betrayal**

He did not know how many hours it had been since they had been together. There were no windows in the room, but it did not matter much. Their vampire capabilities enabled them to go for hours, never growing tired. But Fidelia stopped when she looked over at the small clock she had stored on her side table. It was almost 5am now.

Edward grabbed his clothing scattered across the room as she slid into a loose fitted mahogany dress and ran her fingers through her bed swept hair. He fixed the buttons on his shirt and collar.

"Some members of my old coven will be arriving soon. You should stick around to meet them." Fidelia offered.

Beneath her words and her thoughts, he heard something more; something that she was hiding from him. He shook off his suspicion, thinking that he was getting too paranoid over nothing. He followed her to the couch in the living room and casually lay on it beside her as she played with his thick golden hair.

"So what made you finally give up the "vegetarian" lifestyle and leave Carlisle like that?" Fidelia asked.

Edward sighed and answered, "We fell apart slowly, especially after he found a mate and eventually I guess I just realized that, some humans just don't deserve to keep living. That is when I decided to drink the blood of humans; only the bad ones."

"If you ask me, there are simply too many humans to worry about harming. I mean really, why are we made to drink the blood of humans if it is so wrong?" Fidelia said.

Edward thought about her words and simply replied, "I guess your right, all humans eventually die off anyways and new ones are born. Why should vampires care about them?"

For some reason Edward believed the words that were coming out of his mouth, but it didn't feel right to him.

Fidelia spoke, "did Carlisle ever mention his time in the Volturi."

Edward sat up, confused by the question,

"How do you know that he used to be part of the Volturi?"

"Because I used to be one of the guards in the coven," She said casually. "Didn't he ever tell you about the time the entire Volturi had to diminish a vampire army and a vampire child?"

Edward was surprised that she used to be a part of the Volturi, he wondered why she had left; it certainly could not have been for the same reason as Carlisle.

Fidelia spoke to Edward, but she did not address him directly. It was as if she was speaking to someone else through him.

"The time has come old friend, everything is in its place, feel free to send your entire guard. We'll be ready."

Having said that, she disappeared; her thoughts, her scent, everything was gone. Edward was thrown aback, could she have somehow teleported out of the room and what was she talking about, who was she talking to?

Edward had little time to gather his thoughts because in an instant, three black cloaked vampire figures barged through the door. Edward sprang up in a defensive crouch, he could tell from their thoughts that they weren't there to be friendly. They faced him, in the middle he saw a small blonde girl with big red eyes and to her right was a lanky boy who looked just as young. To her left, a tall and muscular man whose eyes wandered around the room searching for something, or someone. The robes made it obvious that they were from the Volturi.

Edward knew that he could not fight them all so he tried to flee. He dashed for the door as fast as he could when he was hit with a severe wave of pain. He dropped to the floor and writhed in the agony that ran through his entire body. Every nerve and muscle stung with the mind numbing sensation and he heard in the girl's thoughts that she was doing this to keep him from escaping. With clenched teeth, he managed to say,

"Stop… please. I don't know… what you want!"

His pleas went unanswered and he heard the large man say with a frustrated voice, "Damn her to hell. Fidelia's not even here, how can Aro send us to capture her when she can never be captured. It doesn't make sense!"

The smaller male spoke more softly, "Sister, Aro shall still want us to bring anyone who was with her back with us."

The girl frowned and at last, stopped torturing him. Edward was still on the floor recovering when the young male strode over to him and grabbed his upper arms as he infringed his mental power on his mind. Before Edward could react, he felt the numbing sensation come over him and the last thing he saw was the blurry sight of the vampire's red eyes peering down at him before everything went black.


	9. The Volturi

**Chapter 9- The Volturi**

A shimmer of light shone through his narrowed eyelids as Edward came back into awareness. He was being dragged through a huge castle-like room and was thrown onto the stone floor by the large male vampire. Edward turned his head upwards, there was a stair case in front of him and rising from his chair was a slender vampire with long black hair, behind him sat two unmoving vampires in long robes sitting in thrones.

Edward was on his feet immediately and he assessed his surroundings defensively. The black haired vampire spoke with a polite voice,

"Jane, Alec and Felix have not successfully found who I seek. Who is this that you have brought forth loved ones?"

Jane replied, offering her hand to him, "Master Aro, as you know Fidelia's abilities outmatch ours, however we found this vampire where she was staying. He might be of use to us."

He took her hand and Edward saw a wave of memories and thoughts through Aro's mind flash through his. He suddenly recognized Aro as the Volturi leader Carlisle told him about with the ability to know everything a person has ever thought, by just one touch.

In Jane's memories he discovered the real truth that Fidelia had so conveniently kept from him. She had been a part of the Volturi for hundreds of years. Her ability to disappear completely and arrive in another location put her at a high rank in the guard. Eventually however, she grew tired of following orders and decided to overthrow the Volturi by creating and gathering an army of vampires that would destroy specifically Aro, Caius and Marcus so that with her power, she could take control of the vampire world. She ran away from the Volturi in secret and her ability to conceal her scent through teleportation made her almost impossible to track, so she carried out her plan. But everything went wrong when she broke the law and created a newborn child for herself. When the Volturi guard caught one of the newborns she had created, Aro picked up the child's scent in the newborns memories and by doing this, they were able to track Fidelia, through the child's scent.

When they found her and the army she had created, there was a great battle among the newborns and most of the Volturi. The army was taken by surprise at the Volturi attack and was killed along with the child and Fidelia vanished again. Over the years, they have tried to find her, but her power made her untraceable.

Now Aro walked down the stairs to approach Edward.

"Welcome young one. May I?" He gestured to his hand. Edward hesitantly offered it to him.

Aro took it and Edward saw all of his memories flash through Aro's mind. He didn't know if he felt comfortable with all of his darkest thoughts and secrets being exposed, he saw the memory of him and Fidelia in her bedroom; he was completely unaware at the time of her real persona.

Aro's eyes widened then narrowed as he let go of Edward's hand and turned around to face the others. Marcus spoke,

"What news have you received brother?"

"Does this ally of Fidelia have any use to us?" Caius leered.

"I am NOT her ally." Edward snapped back, disgusted at himself being associated with her.

Aro ignored his outburst and said. "It seems that Fidelia has left us a message. She declares that the time for battle has arrived and that everything is in its proper place. She also tells us to feel free to send our best members and that they will be ready."

Edward almost felt sick when he came to the realisation that Fidelia had set him up to be captured, so that her words in his thoughts could be a message to Aro and the others, that she and her army, wherever they might be, are ready to overthrow them. Everything else was all a part of her seductive game to get back at the Volturi. It was a game that Edward had so blindly fallen for.

Caius abruptly stood up, "We will accept her challenge! And we strike back at her treachery, once and for all. Felix," he seemed to float down the stairs and moved to where Edward stood.

"This vampire here has been an associate of a serious threat to our coven," Caius said pointing a long pale finger at Edward. "This will not go unpunished."

Edward knew that Felix had been ordered to kill him. But instead of protesting, Edward welcomed his death. He had come to a revelation that there was absolutely no reason for him to still remain on this earth for any longer. He had no one, his human family was long gone, and Carlisle and Esme would go on without him, even the only vampire who he had thought at least cared enough to pay him any mind was really betraying him all along. His life was a pathway of one disappointment after the other. What reason did he have to fight for his life? It was now staggeringly clear that he was already dead.

"Be still Felix," Aro said to Caius's dismay and Edward's annoyance. Why couldn't they just get on with it? "He is also an associate with our dear friend Carlisle, but has chosen to reject his way of life."

Aro tilted his head to look at Edward who stood like a statue, assessing Aro's thoughts.

"You, young one have chosen our way of life over your creator's. Your mind reading ability would be a great asset to our coven. It is evident that your thoughts express your need to find a productive way to live out your eternity. Join us and I assure you all charges made against you will be dropped." Aro said to Edward.

Edward stiffened, "So join or die is that it?"

"Aro stop this madness. He might get involved with her again." Caius protested.

"Yes, I suppose her luring charms may be the cause of that ever reoccurring." Aro said with a hint of sarcasm, poking at Edward's one night fling spent with Fidelia.

Edward turned his head, suppressing the growl in his chest. He was not in the mood to be reminded of his childish stupidity, especially from Aro. Suddenly the massive door opened to reveal two members of the guard, leading a vampire to centre of the room. Aro curiously strode to where they were.

"Master Aro," one of the guards said. "We've found this newborn vampire hunting in Volterra."

The male vampire squirmed as the guards struggled to restrain him. Caius told Jane to restrain the vampire and immediately, he was screaming as her power overtook his mind. After about a minute, Aro held up his hand to signal her to stop and grabbed the now frightened newborn's hand as he gathered information from his mind.

Aro gasped at what he saw. It was the visual images of Fidelia's head being ripped apart by the giant fangs of a massive black and white coated wolf. Could Fidelia have been killed in some way?

"I cannot believe it, Fidelia has perished." Aro said astonished that she was caught before she could manage to teleport somewhere else.

Around him, everyone was just as shocked. The man spoke quickly under his breath, relieving the disbelief floating through the room.

"Fidelia and her newborn army had been hunting a group of humans on a wolf pack's territory two days ago and they managed to catch her off guard while she was still feeding on the blood of a human. Some of the members of her army were killed as well. I managed to escape and I ran as far as I could for about a day. I came to Italy to report what happened. I have heard about the power of your coven from Fidelia. I have come here to prove my full loyalty and to be of assistance to you." The man said as he now knelt on one knee, showing his allegiance. Edward knew by his thoughts that he was only declaring his loyalty to save himself.

Caius was above his gaze in an instant. He looked down and said to the man, "You had great loyalty for Fidelia when you were a part of her army, didn't you?"

The man looked up; fear struck his thoughts as he saw Caius raise his left hand. With a quick, piercing sound, the two guards had beheaded him and his body was taken away.

"What wolves did he speak of that could dismember a vampire army?" Marcus asked with a weary voice.

"It couldn't have been werewolves; we have already drove them into extinction," said Caius.

Aro seemed deep in thought when he answered, "a pack of shape shifters, not werewolves. It was in the daylight that they attacked her."

Caius went to sit down at his throne and said, "At least they did some good and got rid of that nuisance, Fidelia, at last."

Felix spoke, "Master Aro, what of _this_ vampire?"

Aro had almost forgotten Edward when he turned to see him still standing in the room. He looked at Aro with indifference as he contemplated.

"I suppose he is no major threat to us, I saw no loyalty towards Fidelia in his thoughts. It would be such a waste to get rid of him and his mental talents. You still refuse our proposal?" Aro asked Edward.

"Yes." Edward answered.

Aro sighed and moved up the stairs while saying,

"If you ever change your mind don't hesitate to join and if you ever decide to return to Carlisle again, be sure to send my regards. Farewell young Edward."

It did not occur to Edward that he was in Volterra, Italy until he was escorted out of the castle. He had never been to Italy before, the most charming country in the world, with its rich history, magnificent monuments, churches and people. He had hoped that his first time in the country would have been under better circumstances than being taken against his will by the members of the Volturi and being framed as an ally to one of their biggest enemies, by the woman he had just lost his virginity to. Right now, Edward's mental state was not looking well.

He made it out of the city, not bringing any attention to himself. In the forest he ran, not knowing where he was going. He ran for hours, and then days through different settings at the fastest speed he could go.


	10. Forsaken

**Chapter 10- Forsaken**

**1930**

Edward had more or less moved on from the incident and for the next few months, he had traveled throughout Europe. He had seen many things he never had the chance to see, visited monuments and observed different cultures. He had returned to his hunting routine and his existence was becoming partially bearable even though he knew that it would get old once he had seen every country, read every book and explored every culture. For now however, Edward was making the most of his eternity.

He swam through the tall waves to arrive at the coast of Ireland. He then climbed up a towering cliff to see an open field leading to a small fishing town. The sun was hidden behind the clouds and he heard the chattering of the townspeople as he walked at a human pace. He was soaking wet, but he payed no attention to curious human thoughts when they saw him. He smelled the stench of the sea food sitting in boxes along the coast and felt the breeze of the ocean.

He walked for a few more hours, down dirt roads and farther away from the coast until it was night and he spotted in the distance a sign that said "Town of Bray." He entered the small, fairly isolated place and walked down the dark empty street. He turned into an alleyway, the smell of the garbage and smoke was evident. The trickling of water after the rain had fallen could be heard. The pavement was wet and slick. Edward walked through and leaned against the concrete wall, closing his eyes for a moment, letting his mind drift away.

He opened his eyes when he heard the thoughts of a man around the corner of the alleyway. The man was thinking intently of another man who was heading his way. Edward climbed up the alley wall, onto the roof and silently ran to where the man was, looking down at him from the building. The man was wearing dirty, baggy clothing and was holding a knife behind his back. He was planning to kill the man and steal his money and whatever valuables he could.

Edward jumped off the building and the man stumbled back, startled. Edward grabbed the man and in a flash, was on the roof with him before the future victim had even turned the corner to face his death. The man with the knife tried to get away but Edward grabbed him by his collar and prepared to sink his teeth into his neck, ignoring the man's begging.

Edward knew that he was doing the right thing by getting rid of a future murderer. As he bit the man's artery he heard his dying thoughts. He was thinking of his wife and children who were already so hungry and with barely any money, how would they manage without him? The man was only stealing for his family's sake.

Edward panicked midway through his drinking; he now wanted more than anything to spare this human's life but it was too late. The man's eyes went blank and his body limp. Edward fell to his knees as if he had been punched in the gut. He stifled a scream that would cause attention and instead it came out a fumbled grunt.

Edward was the cause of this father's death. How could he ever justify the killing of a man with intentions as pure as his? He thought of Carlisle's words before he left, _"Edward, no human is all good or all bad. It is impossible to judge who deserves to die and who does not."_

Edward looked up from the roof at the half-moon in the sky; feeling like God was looking down at him with indifference, not caring that Edward has already had enough of living, or simply punishing him with eternal life because he knows that Edward is ready to die. Either way, Edward had just become what he had set out to destroy and he would never escape the torment of his actions, this alone was enough to turn his unbeating heart to a weightless pile of dust.


	11. Dreams

**Chapter 11- Dreams**

**1931**

Thousands lost their life savings when the Stock Market crashed. Millions were out of work. Farmers lost their farms. Businesses shut down. Banks closed their doors. Hundreds stood in lines for food stamps. Many starved; doctors went out of a job because few people had money to pay them- no patients, no money and so no practice. There were no street performances, no dancing or lavish parties. The city streets that used to be exiting and adventurous were now crawling with the dusty air of scattered dreams that would no longer be a reality. This was not the carefree America Edward had left.

Edward was on a familiar cobbled road in Chicago, he passed old chestnut trees and the decaying park swings that he enjoyed so much as a child. It seemed as if it were a thousand years ago that he once played on it after school or at the town picnic that used to be held every year.

It was like walking in a dream land to him now; his human years were spent in this town and to be a vampire now was like looking into another person's memories. Further past the park and through the line of maple trees, he came across a medium sized cathedral that he and his family often attended on Sundays. It, unlike everything else had not changed much except for the fact that it was now filled with desperate and hungry people, young and old who came to stand in line for a bowl of soup or a slice of bread. It did not fully occur to him the degree that people were struggling in the financial crisis until he saw the sight of people standing and sitting against the church walls to hold their place in line.

Throughout his youth, his family was strictly upper middle class; his father was a successful lawyer and his mother a homemaker. Because of this he had a very privileged childhood; he was enrolled in piano lessons and private school. He never went hungry or gave much attention to the misfortune of others. He was simply not exposed to them. Even planning to enlist in the war seemed like it would be a summer breeze to him.

It was the night that his father collapsed that his whole perspective changed drastically. The Spanish outbreak had been known about for months. Edward was just turning seventeen when pictures of the mass graves and overcrowded hospital wards started appearing on the front pages of newspapers. His mother was worried sick every time Edward left the house, worried that he would get the virus and end up like all the others. There were headlines saying that places not far like New York and Pennsylvania were completely devastated, it was only a matter of time that it would travel to Illinois and when it did, it took its toll not only on his entire family, but the entire city.

When Edward's father was taken to the hospital, he was dead by morning. Before Edward knew it, he had fallen ill. He lasted longer than his father and his distraught mother never left his side for a whole two days. She had no time to think about her dead husband when her son was on the verge of the same fate. He remembered her by his side, her shaking, cool fingers stroking his fever ravaged face. Eventually however, Elisabeth's immune system and the stress failed her and she got the virus. Edward also remembered the angelic doctor who treated him and his parents. He remembered that horrible night when he was on the verge of dying. Cold sweat and blood flooded his every strangled cough. He remembered the fear he felt when he had a sheet thrown over his body and was wheeled to the morgue, thinking that he would be buried alive with all of the dead bodies. He silently prayed to God for it to all be a nightmare.

Then he was flying through the cold night and he ended up on a couch in a room with many books. He realised that he was not flying or dead, he was carried by the doctor. For a moment he felt the sense of peace that came with being close to death, when the suffering would end. But the suffering only got worse when the horrific pain coming from his neck spread quickly through every muscle, nerve and vein. He begged the doctor to kill him, but it only worsened as time passed. When the pain lessened, the doctor began explaining what was happening to him, it was in that moment Edward knew that nothing would ever be the same.

In the blink of an eye, Edward's whole world had shattered. Both of his parents and most of his extended family were gone forever. But almost 13 years later, he only now realised just how much of himself he had lost with them.

Edward went further behind the church where he found the old graveyard where people came to remember the ones they had lost. A sharp stab of grief came to Edward when he was reminded that his mother and father would never have a proper burial in which he could remember them. They were buried, along with thousands of others at the time of the outbreak. He did not even know where the mass grave was.

He walked further through the burial ground and finally dropped to his knees as his head rose up towards the white, cloudy sky. He wondered how Carlisle and Esme were managing without him. Could they have forgotten about him already? Were they happy he was gone? So many questions ran through his mind all at the same time.

He had made so many mistakes in his past that he could barely recall them all. He had treated Esme so coldly, despite the fact that she had been nothing but motherly and caring towards him. Was this why he had rejected her presence so much, because she was the only woman other than his mother to treat him with such kindness? He had freely thought of Carlisle as a father figure, but it was not the same, Edward's relationship with his human father did not come close to his bond with his mother, Elisabeth. Edward had not grieved at all when his parents died; he had even managed for a while, to pretend that he had never had parents. But he could never fully escape the grief that threatened to entrap him. He had been so ungrateful to Carlisle and managed to shatter the world he built for Edward, by having the notion that he could kill only "bad" humans and be able to free himself from the horrible deed. All along he had set himself up for a rude awakening.

Edward felt weak as he got up and left the place he once called his home to find a spot in the forest where he would not encounter any humans. He had not drunk blood since the night he took the life of that father in Ireland. That was almost a full year ago and the lack of blood in his system was definitely taking a toll on him. He sat and leaned up against a tree deep in the woods. Night was falling and he welcomed the darkness, he could not sleep but he still closed his eyes anyway.

The distant sound of a train bell made him open his eyes hours later. It reminded him of his dark years when most of his time was spent staring at a railroad track. Studying humans and their interactions, wishing he could be one of those optimistic people on the train. Carlisle often thought about Edward's mother, her weak pleading voice and her bony fingers in his, begging him to save Edward. She did not value her own life just as long as her son could live and be happy. This was Edward's final stab of guilt as he wondered if his mother would be proud of whom he had become. He knew his mother and she would not be glad to see her son wasting away to a broken heap of nothing, she would have expected more of him. Everyone seemed to have more faith in him than he had in himself. When he heard the train whistle once again, Edward stood up.

With this thought he found himself minutes later, on a train looking out the window at the changing sceneries as the train moved speedily along the tracks. He had at last acknowledged that it was time for him to start restoring his own faith in himself.


	12. Light After the Dark

**Chapter 12- Light after the Dark**

He assumed they had moved to a different part of the country, Whitman County in Washington specifically. Edward had heard Carlisle thinking of transferring to the hospital there before he left. It was pouring rain and night was falling when he arrived. As soon as he got off the train, he immediately found an area in town with a large forest where he might be able to pick up Carlisle or Esme's scent from hunting. He was drawn to the sound of the river because it was so like Carlisle to stop on his hunting trips and stare down at the water to ponder. Edward's assumption was correct and when he got to the stream, he could smell Carlisle's faint scent. His legs pumped beneath him through the muddy ground as he followed it through the forest. He was still extremely weak and his throat burned with the thirst that had not been satisfied for a year. But Edward had to force himself to keep moving, before he could change his mind.

At this point, his greatest fear was rejection. The pain of them no longer wanting or trusting him would be unbearable. But he promised himself then that if they no longer accepted him, he would bear the pain and move on like his mother would want him to. His resentment to Carlisle for turning him into a vampire was fading. He promised that he would mend his relationship not only with Carlisle but Esme as well if he was ever offered the chance again. He would not carelessly brush off their love like it was nothing.

Edward stopped for a minute to see his faint reflection in the stream beside him. He had not payed any attention to his appearance in the past few months. He looked dishevelled and was wearing dark grey dress pants and a white, loose fitted, button down, collared dress shirt. His shoes were dark, lace up shoes and his hair was his usual unruly, thick, golden mess that looked almost black from the rain water. He had not changed at all, he was still the pale seventeen year old boy that had left three years ago, his eyes were a deep black and he was completely soaked from the rain.

He was running again and came to a halt when he heard voices and thoughts coming from the nearby house. He almost felt like he was dreaming when he heard Carlisle's same gentle voice.

"Make sure to give her two of these pills twice daily until she gets her strength back. For now she needs to be in bed," Carlisle said.

His thoughts showed the image of a small, pale little girl lying on the table. Beside her stood her worried looking father, his hand resting gently on her forehead. The man looked up at Carlisle,

"Thank you Dr," the man searched in his pockets to find something to repay Carlisle with. "It's not much but-"

Carlisle cut him off, "Keep your money Richard, save it for your family... times are hard right now."

The man nodded, then gave a look of pure gratitude and weariness at the same time. He lifted his young daughter and left. Edward heard Esme in the next room, reading. Carlisle cleaned up his medical supplies and placed it neatly in his case.

Meanwhile Edward could see the lit up house through the dark evening and the pouring rain. He willed himself to keep moving, but his body refused. He just stood there instead. He did not recall how long he had stood there, listening to their thoughts, analyzing any signs of their resentment towards him. He found no signs, they were talking and they laughed together for a moment at a casual joke. Never had he ever longed to laugh with them or even to simply be in their presence before. He took everything back, his hatefulness towards their relationship and his cold, detached remarks towards them when all they wanted was to connect. He took back every minute of it. A low whimper escaped his throat as he ached to change the past.

Esme's head turned to the window slightly. In her thoughts Edward could see his own slouched, shadowlike figure through the rain, across the front lawn. Carlisle asked what it was that she was looking at. Then Edward heard the sound of their unbelieving thoughts.

In less than a second he saw Carlisle slam the front door open and stand there for a moment in the doorway of the house, directly across from Edward. Water droplets dripped from Edward's hair, he could not look at his father's face without breaking so he focused on the grass beneath him to compress the emotion that was building inside of him. When he felt arms embracing him however he could not conceal it anymore. He heard stifled sobs and it wasn't long before he recognized the sobbing was coming from him. He was shocked by the sudden affection which made his true feelings finally emerge,

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." he managed to say as he buried his head deeper into Carlisle's shoulder.

Carlisle sounded like he had a mix of different emotions running through him at once when he said, "Shhh, it's alright Edward… it's alright son, you came back." He pulled him closer, he sounded like he was laughing and crying all at once.

It was not long before Esme was in the rain with them, joining the embrace. Finally, he responded to her affection. Edward remained locked in his parent's warmth, his quavering voice, apologizing over and over. It would be a long battle mending the wounds of his past but here, locked in between the only ones that could ever take the place of his human parents, he felt safe. The rain continued to pour, but none of them noticed. A boom of thunder followed by the hot strike of lightening added to this intimate moment as they were drenched and the roaring winds pushed the rain against their bodies. Edward focused solely on the small family he had again, forgetting about the atmosphere around him. In this moment they had each other and he had them. That would be alright for now.

_End _

**A/N- Thanks for all the support to everyone who messaged me in the past couple months. You're the ones who motivated me to do this story. Also, feel free to share your thoughts and opinions on this story at any time. Reviews are very much appreciated.**

**IMPORTANT- I am now working on the second part of the story called, "Desire of the Soul". If you liked this and are interested in reading the sequel you can check it out on my account.**


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